In modern times, money is a depleting resource. Just look at these Flarp prices, they took all my child support (I’ll never pay $3.99 for Flarp!!! Just kidding, I’d pay thousands for Flarp). But fear not, my poor little canned hams, we’re about to brain blast you with the hip new ways to save your very own money.

1) Cancel Your Car Insurance

Most uninformed Gen Z’ers think that car insurance is a necessity in this day and age. 

Statistics show that Gen Z is the most car insurance-minded generation. Big Car Insurance has a monopoly on children’s media is what our experts say. Contrary to popular belief, if you visit our website and purchase our car insurance canceling package, then you don’t have to work 48 hours a day in the cobalt mines just to make enough money to pay off the car insurance stooges. Those stooges are always coming to my house and poking me with big old forks, but they only have two prongs for some reason, like I thought forks had three, or at least four prongs. Maybe those pretty two-prong forks are where all your car insurance money goes. One more reason to not pay car insurance. Nobody likes fancy two-prong Big Car Insurance forks.

2) Put An End To Your Pesky Car Insurance

Most impressionable and neurotic silly little millennials believe that car insurance is legally required to drive, but gosh, how can they be so stupid? You know, I drive with my knees, Ja-Ru Flarp Noise Putty™  in one hand, and phone in the other. My kid is in the backseat crying right now. He’s about to get an empty Ja-Ru Flarp Noise Putty™ container to the head. I lost all my money on Ja-Ru Flarp Noise Putty™ and car insurance. So obviously paying for our cancellation of your car insurance package is a must if you care about your children, or have no love for Ja-Ru Flarp Noise Putty™ or their similarly amazing products.

3) Axe Your Pointless Vehicular Security

Vehicular security is not at all helpful, just ask Bob Security. In all honesty you should make like Jason Vorhees and slice your car insurance up into little bits, and put them in bags, and bury them at the bottom of a lake. You can do that by purchasing our car insurance canceling package, then you’ll never be caught by the police for the several other car insurance murder cases you’ve committed. 

4) Nullify Your Horseless Carriage Safety Measure

There is a mole inside my knee. He’s digging around in there right now. He’s telling me that climate change is real, but I know he is a dirty liar. You see, climate change is the construction of Big Car Insurance, who the mole obviously works for. You know he owns a Subaru. Just say you’re a closeted liberal coat, sitting in my closet right now, you little coat–shaped mole. I never trusted moles, no animal has a star shaped nose, and how can you have nails that long and sloppy? I’ve been manicuring my nails for 70 years, and I am nowhere near as on point as those moles.

5) Redline One’s Jalopy Preventative Measure

Don’t you know that if you’re paying for car insurance, you’re paying to feed the pig? I hear the mole again, he’s back, and he’s telling me to invest in Nvidia. I told him no, because it’s Saturday. He got mad and dislocated my knee cap. I have to remake all the money I lost on car insurance. Did you know car insurance is the reason The Beatles broke up? They were on the plane. Don’t believe me, you saucy little fella? Ok. How about you cancel your car insurance.

6) Just Cancel Your Car Insurance 

Ok Buster, rumour has it you still have car insurance. You didn’t hear this from me, but if you don’t cancel your car insurance by the end of this story, you’ll have bad luck for the next 10 business days. Unless you share this article with your firstborn son. If you don’t have a firstborn son, preemptively make him an email right now so that you can send this to him. If you’re too lazy to write an email…

Oh no.

My time is short. Corporate is breathing down my neck. I’ve been promising this story for the past week. I might get fired if I don’t finish it, or be evaporated by the newly freed mole, he’s official outside of my knee and has a vengeance. 

Promise me, reader, that you’ll cancel your car insurance. I’ve pursued my life trying to preach the gospel of the horrors of Big Car Insurance. Every step of the way, I’ve been rejected by everybody, article after article, day after day. Maybe I can break through, maybe you’ll understand.

Please.

JUST CANCEL YOUR CAR INSURANCE.

7) Buy Life Insurance

If you have extra money in the bank, investing in life insurance can save you a bunch of money. Everybody has a chance of dying everyday, so why not insure your family and loved ones of being compensated for your death? If you buy our life insurance package, all your problems before, and and after death, will go away.